My partner wants to get married, but I'm not ready to tie the knot so soon. What should I do?

For the past year, my siblings have often come to me to pour out their troubles, especially when something goes wrong in their lives or marriages. I usually listen. Once or twice, I am happy to help, but when it happens repeatedly, I start to feel irritated. I am often already physically and emotionally exhausted, yet I cannot bring myself to stop them in the moment. My sister’s marriage made this especially difficult. During arguments, her husband had sometimes responded by mildly harming himself rather than hurting her. Whenever something intense happened, she would message or call me. I began to feel that she relied heavily on other people to calm her emotions and had difficulty handling problems on her own. At the same time, I did not want to hurt her when she was already distressed. Recently, this has been happening about once a month, and I do not have that much energy to provide emotional support. I want to tell her that, instead of exploding inside each conflict and using the people around her to regulate her feelings, she could try to see what the problem is and work on it herself. I worry that continually consuming the patience and warmth of family and friends will eventually damage those relationships. I have wanted to talk with her deeply about this, but I have not known how to begin or found the right moment. I think she would hear me more easily when things are calm, rather than immediately after she has called to complain. So I may wait until after a family dinner, when everyone is relaxed and some genuine feelings have come out. I do not want to tell her that I will no longer listen. I want to be honest that I still care about her, while also admitting that I cannot keep carrying this much for her.

There was a period when my work was extremely busy, and I felt completely worn down. I had headaches every day. I faced challenge after challenge, often figuring things out while doing them, and it was very painful when something was beyond my abilities. I gritted my teeth and kept going, but I became slower. My body and mind were under enormous pressure. I am in a similar situation now. I still have not found a real solution, but I cannot simply leave because the pressures of life do not allow it. What I fear is not having enough money to support the rest of my life. “Enough” feels like something I may never reach. Whether it will come depends on having sufficient funds—but isn’t that a cycle? I am confused now. I can see it a little, but I do not know how to get out.

I have found that relationships work better for me when they begin somewhere that is not explicitly a date. I was playing in a band and eventually dated someone in the band. We already shared an interest, and we had time to be around each other without the pressure of deciding whether this was romantic. We could get to know each other gradually, with some common ground already there. I met my wife through a family connection. A relative had known her family for decades, and both sides trusted him. Before we even met, he had already told each family good things about the other person. That did not guarantee anything, but it removed some uncertainty. When we met, we were not complete strangers trying to evaluate each other from nothing. That uncertainty at the beginning seems like the hardest part to me. A sudden strong impression can feel romantic or passionate, but it can also disappear once two people spend more time together. In an interest group, a gaming community, or a trusted introduction, people can see more of one another before either person feels placed under a judgment. For me, that lower-pressure beginning has been a much better way to find out whether a relationship might actually work.