“ I have been married to my husband for seven years. I discovered three years of detailed notes and unsent messages about a female coworker; he says their relationship was emotional and never physical. We have not divorced and still live under the same roof, but we have become strangers. ”
I wanted her to be happy, so I took her to expensive restaurants every day, gave her gifts, and regularly took her traveling. I hoped she would feel that our time together was happy and that I was making an effort. I also wanted us to have a fuller life, because we did not have enough to talk about. We had no mutual friends and not many shared experiences. Gradually, I realized that we often saw things very differently. She would become furious at restaurant staff if the food was slow, argue with strangers in public, or curse at drivers who honked at her. I felt that her behavior showed poor manners, but I could not openly take the other person’s side against her. Our attitudes toward money were different too. She often bought luxury goods or other expensive things far beyond her income. At first I helped pay for them, but eventually I could not afford to keep doing that. She never asked me to take responsibility for her spending. I did it because I thought that, as her boyfriend, I should pay. In the beginning, it also felt like a chance to prove that I could take care of her and be a good boyfriend. In the end, I realized that I had been putting in time, money, and energy, but I was still not happy. The main problem was that our values were different. Experiences and gifts could not support happiness between us, and she did not really pay attention to my thoughts or feelings. No matter how many things I gave, they could not bridge that gap. Nothing dramatic happened when we separated. I was the one who ended it, because I felt that continuing gave us no way forward. I had thought about it for a long time, so I was not especially sad; I felt relieved. Looking back, I do not think what I did was wrong. In a relationship where two people share the same values, those things can be advantages. But some things cannot be obtained through effort, even total effort—especially a good outcome in love. If two people are not suited to each other, forcing it might still lead to marriage and a shared life, but living that way would be exhausting.
For the past fifteen months, our high-needs baby has been with us every day—my wife, his mother, and me. We were exhausted. I was working too, and even ordinary things like eating at a restaurant came with pressure: he might yell, speak loudly, or throw food on the floor. Then we started sending him to daycare. He had a good day, and seemed to be okay there. For the first time, my wife and I had a real day to ourselves. We ate at a restaurant, talked, had fun, and did not feel under pressure. There was space to be together again. When we went to pick him up, I was worried he might not be used to being away from us. He cried when he saw us and reached his arms toward me. I hugged him tightly for a few seconds, then he turned to his mother and asked for a hug. After she hugged him, he came back to me. He wanted both of us to be there. I wanted to ask him, “How was your day?” I did not want him to feel bad. If he wanted a hug, we would give him a big one. Afterward, I spent two hours with him. We played, went outside, and took a walk nearby. Usually I was too busy and my day felt broken up by his crying, but this time I had been able to work and live more steadily. At the end of the day, I really wanted to be with him. Everything felt more regulated. He had a good day, my wife and I had a good day, and then we had a good time together. I think a little distance can be important, no matter how much you love someone. My biggest wish now is that he keeps enjoying daycare.
